Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
86 Rules for Boozing
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tellthe barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
In Quebec, a premier surrenders to mob rule
Even capitulation, Jean Charest found, was not enough. He’d stood by while striking students had blocked and intimidated others from attending classes. He’d done nothing while cars were torched and shop windows were smashed, while Paul Rose, the FLQ terrorist, was feted, while court orders were ignored.
After weeks of escalating mayhem, he’d agreed to stretch the increase in tuition fees over seven years, rather than five. When this failed to stop the violence, he’d moved the Quebec Liberal Party’s annual conference to Victoriaville from Montreal, for fear of the “demo-action” of “general rage” the students had promised. And after the students pursued him there, after billiard balls and chunks of asphalt had been hurled at police, after one cop who’d been separated from the rest was beaten savagely — punched and kicked and whacked with sticks as he lay helpless on the ground — the very next day, while the tear gas hung in the air, he cut a deal.
The terms of the deal need not detain us here. Suffice to say Quebec’s universities would no longer manage themselves, but would be subject to an ungainly committee of labour, business, university and student representatives, charged with finding the savings to finance a partial rollback in fees: not tuition fees, note. Just “administrative” fees, the ones that come out of students’ left pockets.
ROGERIO BARBOSA/AFP/Getty Images
Students protest hikes in tuition outside Le Victorin Hotel, where Jean Charest was giving a speech Friday at the annual Quebec Liberal Convention in Victoriaville.
But the precise terms are irrelevant, because the deal no longer exists, students having voted massively to reject it. Well of course. Why wouldn’t they? For the premier to have agreed to negotiate, under such circumstances, could only be interpreted as an invitation to demand more. It was a capitulation that held within it the promise of further capitulations.
“Negotiations,” of course, is a little joke. In most negotiations, one side promises x in exchange for the other’s promise of y. In the present farce, the government promises to give the students more money, in return for which the students promise to … accept it. Or not, as the case may be. Unsatisfied with the government’s offer to pay 83% of their tuition, they demand the same 87% as before. As a fallback position, they will accept 100%.
I shouldn’t say they have nothing to offer. What they have to offer is violence and lawlessness. Which is what this is about. It isn’t about the poor: the enriched bursaries that accompany the fee increase ensure nobody on low income would pay another nickel. It isn’t about accessibility: a smaller proportion of Quebecers attend university than elsewhere in the country, notwithstanding fees that are a fraction of the national average. It isn’t even about students, really, two-thirds of whom are not participating.
‘Who could resist such intoxicants? Who at any age, let alone 21?’
Rather, it is about how we distribute resources in a society. Much has been made throughout this business of Quebec’s “progressive” traditions, or the government’s alleged intransigence, as if this could explain the decision of individual demonstrators (a minority, to be sure) to beat people up or attack their property. No. It is learned behaviour. They do it because, experience has taught them, it works. Not only does it invite the admiration of certain radical professors and sections of the media. It confers power. It frightens others into doing what you want.
Who could resist such intoxicants? Who at any age, let alone 21? Watching Gabriel Nadeau-Dubois, “spokesperson” for the most radical of the student groups, give a speech — a CBC crew followed him around — you can almost see the blood rush to his head. “Monsieur Charest!” he shrieks, one hand stabbing the air. “You are SURROUNDED! You have only ONE OPTION! BACK DOWN!” His eyes are ablaze. It is May 1968, and he is in France, leading a general strike.
Only he isn’t. He isn’t even leading the strikers, let alone the public. Yet here he is, barking orders at the premier.
A civilized society distributes resources in two ways. One is through the market, based on mutually beneficial exchange. The other is through the state, based on need: the only moral basis of redistribution.
But the coercive power of the state is all too easily diverted into other, less savoury schemes of redistribution: on the one hand, by lobbying, connections or outright bribes; on the other hand, by threats, whether of the lawful, pressure-group kind, or the unlawful, violence-and-mayhem kind. In either case the aim is the same: to enlist the state to extract from others what we could not persuade them to give us freely. This has nothing to do with need, and everything to do with raw power.
‘The coercive power of the state is all too easily diverted’
We have had plenty of both in Canada, and in Quebec in particular: the students are in a rich tradition of union thuggery, which is not altogether unconnected with the corruption that, it is now acknowledged, has put down deep roots in the province’s politics. And as its fiscal straits worsen, this sort of conflict can only be expected to multiply.
That is the issue. What do we want — a society in which we exchange with each other, voluntarily, and look after each other when we fall; or a society based on taking from each other, with the most ruthless or determined taking the most? Will we make these decisions at the ballot box, or in the street? By persuasion, or force? Within the law, or without it?
Tuition fight could spill outside Quebec as Ontario students get set to join protests
Students march during a protest against tuition fee increases on May 24, 2012 in Montreal. The Quebec government invited student groups for talks to end a three-month conflict over a planned hike in tuition fees after nearly 700 people were arrested overnight in the Canadian province.
With Quebec tuition protest arrests at 2,500 and counting, Ontario students and unions say they’re gearing up to join their counterparts in demonstrating against tuition hikes.
The show of solidarity comes after nearly 700 protesters were arrested across Quebec Wednesday night, many in mass kettling roundups, which prompted Parti Quebecois leader Pauline Marois to declare the ongoing strife “the worst social crisis we have ever known in Quebec.”
Students in Quebec have been striking for more than a 100 days to oppose a proposed 75% tuition hike, which has sparked violent clashes and mass arrests by police.
Premier Dalton McGuinty, however, says his government has helped Ontario students — who face one of the highest tuition fees in Canada — by giving them a 30% rebate.
But the students say the rebate only affects one-third of students and the government hiked tuition rates shortly after it took effect.
They say they’re not advocating violence, but warn there’s unrest brewing among students who are frustrated with paying sky-high fees for their education.
The University of British Columbia student union is also showing solidarity with Quebec, announcing it will write to Quebec Premier Jean Charest, formally condemning Quebec’s special law that puts restrictions on the tuition protests that have rocked that province for months.
The UBC student council passed a resolution earlier this week committing to call on Charest’s government to respect the financial, legal and intellectual autonomy of Quebec student unions.
However, an amendment that would have sent money to a legal fund for the Quebec protesters was voted down.
“At this point in time, what was immediately needed was a stance on Bill 78, considering its potential implications to student associations across Canada,” said Matt Parson, the student union president.
The UBC motion also disapproved of violence by all parties in the ongoing dispute.
The scope of the Quebec protests has turned toward the historic: With arrests surpassing 2,500, at least five times as many people have been jailed than during the 1970 FLQ crisis that saw martial law declared in Quebec.
While nobody has died, unlike in 1970, and most people arrested have been simply ticketed and immediately released, unlike those left to languish in jails back then, critics of the provincial government have spared no adjective to describe current events.
“Six-hundred-fifty-one — that’s the number of arrests yesterday … of ordinary citizens, men, women, young people arrested because they wanted to voice their opposition to decisions of the Liberal regime,” Marois said Thursday. “That’s where the Quebec Liberal party has taken us: mass arrests, more often than not arbitrary ones, to silence opposition.”
In that gloomy atmosphere, rays of hope emerged Thursday for possible progress.
There were plans for the government and student leaders to meet again, likely early next week. Education Minister Michelle Courchesne said she expected a “very, very important” session after having had positive discussions over the phone.
A new point man has also been assigned to help resolve the crisis: Premier Jean Charest has replaced his chief of staff with a well-regarded veteran who once served in that same role for him, bringing back Daniel Gagnier from political retirement with a mandate to make peace.
Restoring order in time for the tourist-filled festival season, which starts in only a few weeks, appears a monumental task given the events that unfolded in the wee hours Thursday.
A peaceful evening march that began with people festively banging pots and pans ended with police using the controversial “kettling” tactic on a crowd of demonstrators and arresting 518 people in Montreal. Scores of others were arrested elsewhere in the province.
Protesters opposing Quebec student tuition fee hikes bang on pots and pans during a demonstration in Montreal, Thursday, May 24, 2012.
The pot-banging continued before the start of Thursday’s marches, the biggest one being in Montreal. Another protest hit the streets in Quebec City as well.
The clanging spread beyond the major cities, with people taking up the percussive protest in several towns and cities including Sorel, Longueuil, Chambly, Repentigny and Abitibi, which is several hundred kilometres from Montreal.
Police wasted no time in declaring Montreal’s march illegal on Thursday, saying it violated a municipal bylaw because the route was not provided beforehand. The demonstration was allowed to continue as long as it remained peaceful and police warned they would sound a siren 10 seconds before making any move to disperse the crowd.
One man on Twitter offered a cheeky response to the demand for a route, posting a map of the city with a route marked in red that formed into a design of a hand flipping the single-digit salute.
The march retained its defiant tone but also some of the circus-like tone of the other 30 nights it’s been held. Fireworks were set off and four solemn clowns wearing red noses and long coats walked among the marchers carrying a coffin.
The boisterous march, which could be heard from a kilometre away, soon split into two long processions that seemed to keep their distance initially from the downtown core where police made mass arrests on previous nights. One group went through trendy Outremont, skirting the area where Mayor Gerald Tremblay lives.
While thousands packed the streets in support, the Twitterverse exploded with reactions and observations.
Christina Stimpson offered a different glimpse of the average protesters, who have tended to be young students, saying, “Spotted a man in an Armani suit banging a pot. Feel the love people.”
Others noted that the students seemed outnumbered by other people during the march which drew smiles and encouragement from people in bars along St-Laurent Boulevard. There was even some variety among the pot-bangers as one man was seen rolling a small barbecue along the street and hammering away at its lid.
One of the popular chants was “Charest, get out! We will find a job for you in the North,” a reference to the premier’s recent crack about student protesters being able to find work in northern Quebec as part of his ambitious economic development plan.
Not everyone on Twitter was supportive — some asked the protesters to get out of their neighbourhood and protest in the provincial capital — but at least one man was concerned.
“Be careful out there MTL,” tweeted Tristan Lalla. “Don’t get Charrested. keep it peaceful.”
Students march during a protest against tuition fee increases on May 24, 2012 in Montreal.
The Montreal march stretched into early Friday morning with only four arrests reported as it maintained its peaceful tone.
In Quebec City, there were several sit-ins in front of police but as of late Thursday night only a man in a banana costume was arrested after he was peeled from the crowd.
The Quebec protests have received worldwide media attention, with the unrest receiving prominent play in some of the biggest international news outlets.
Some of that coverage has depicted the protests favourably, as an example of youth mobilizing for a brighter future, while other play has focused on the scenes of disorder like those that occurred overnight Wednesday night when police used a tactic dubbed “kettling” before arresting more than 500 people.
The tactic is used extensively in Europe where riot cops surround demonstrators and limit or cut off their exits. It has been widely criticized because it often results in the scooping up of innocent bystanders as well as rowdies. A recent report by Ontario’s police watchdog blasted Toronto police for their use of kettling during the G20 summit two years ago.
Wednesday’s march was also quickly declared illegal but allowed to proceed peacefully with riot squad officers shadowing it from the sidelines all evening. Around midnight, the tone changed as police said they had been the targets of projectiles.
Montreal police said those arrested will face charges, some under minor municipal bylaws and others under the more severe Criminal Code. Many of those detained for municipal infractions will face $634 tickets. Some protesters are encouraging others to contest the fines.
The mass arrests came after five days of escalating violence in a dispute that began months ago over tuition fees and evolved partly into a struggle against capitalist practices. In recent days, it has mushroomed thanks to opposition to the Charest government’s Bill 78, which is aimed at cracking down on the protests.
That bill has not been invoked in any Montreal arrests — although it has been used elsewhere in Quebec, and Montreal police say it could still be used to arrest some protest organizers.
A student mockingly salutes police during a protest against tuition fee increases on May 24, 2012 in Montreal.
With files fromNelson Wyatt, Alexander Panetta, Jonathan Montpetit, Myles Dolphin and Jocelyne Richer
It’s the older generation that’s entitled, not students
Quebec Premier Jean Charest and Education Minister Michelle Courchesne. The old folks who lived their whole life with generous government benefits now are telling students to tighten their belts.
“Entitlement.” We hear that word associated again and again with student protesters in Quebec. Usually, it’s preceded by the words, “sense of.”
“They think someone owes them a living,” disgruntled critics harrumph. “Wait until they get into the real world.”
Setting aside the fact that this intergenerational hectoring dates back to Socrates, let us ask: Who exactly is making the charge? Quebec has had low tuition rates for a half century. That means almost every living adult in the province, having already been afforded a plum goodie, is now wagging his finger at the first generation that will be asked to pay the tab. So who really is entitled here?
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Detroit Fights Back
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Darcy Michael | The Best of Comedy Now
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Alien Sex, Lying to our Children and Jesus
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Marijuana and Nature Shows
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Cops Bust Cows for Crashing Party
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Thursday, May 24, 2012
NBA player, disguised as old man, plays pickup
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Best ad for a boxing gym ever, you piece of shit.
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[Full Story] Karl Stefanovic (Austrailia) Loses It Over Farmer's Rude Joke, 'Wedding Ring Found In Cow's Stomach
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I still think they should play this at the beginning of every movie at the theater...
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Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Skydiver Becomes First To Land Without Chute
A stuntman has entered the history books to become the first skydiver to land safely without using a parachute.
Gary Connery, 42, leapt 2,400ft from a helicopter while wearing a specially made "wing suit" and swooped towards a "runway" of 18,600 cardboard boxes in an Oxfordshire field.
Five seconds before he hit the target he flared his suit to decrease his descent and glide angle before plunging into the boxes to break his fall.
Mr Connery jumped from 2,400ft without using a parachute, followed by a skydiving cameraman
"It was so comfortable, so soft," Mr Connery told Sky News immediately afterwards.
"My calculations obviously worked out and I'm glad they did."
His flight lasted approximately 50 seconds, during which he was cheered on by hundreds of supporters, including his son Cali, 14, and wife Vivian, who said she was "relieved it's all over".
The jump, which was recorded by dozens of journalists and camera crews, is expected to be watched all over the world.
Mr Connery's suit was specially designed
It had taken 100 volunteers and friends six hours to build the landing strip, which was 350ft long, 40ft wide and 12ft high.
On the approach to the runway the words "Go Gary" were spelled out with cardboard boxes.
The stunt had originally been planned to take place in April, but weeks of wet weather forced Mr Connery, from Oxfordshire, to postpone the jump.
His team had to obtain special permission from the Civil Aviation Authority.
Following Mr Connery out of the helicopter was fellow wing suit pilot Mark Sutton, who filmed the stunt up until the last moment before deploying his parachute and landing safely.
As part of the preparations, Mr Connery, who has performed stunts in films such as Batman Begins and The Beach, studied the flight of kite birds and how they use their tail to control flight.
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